Hey everyone!! So I thought I would carry on with my awesome Beatles singing skills.
Well, today is a much better day. In the last few days I have blogged, things are a lot better. No, unfortunately the back pain hasn't gone, nor did it magically straighten, and I am now a living Narcissus waiting for you all to bask in my glory... well, I am a mutant Narcissus allowing you to all bask in my glory. Anyway, let's continue.
Well, two days ago, I got a job! That really made things a lot less stressful. It isn't the best paycheque in the world, but it is 40 hours a week of money. And that is better than nothing and, it seems to be a not too bad a place to work. Also has a discount for gym memberships!!! woot!!!
Secondly, met these two very cool Irish girls, and probably had some of the best laughs in a long time. The pair of them were insane, and well, heck, there is just nothing like someone making you laugh until you feel like you worked your abs harder than an hour doing crunches.
Thirdly, I am starting to make friends. I haven't had the chance to hang out with any of them yet, but I am starting to talk to more people. Today I met this rather nice Irish girl and we kinda struck up a good conversation. She was kinda cute, and was very interested in hanging out. I would have to say, that whilst I had a few concerns about moving... though not as many as everyone else did, I think I am doing good.
Anyways, everyone have a great day! Will keep my blogsphere informed..
15 October 2011
10 October 2011
Yesterday....
No, I am not going to enthrall you with my rapturous voice singing the awesome Beatles hit... that would make Sir Paul cry in his soup in jealousy... no... this is about Yesterday.
Anyways, the last few months, I have noticed some cracks appearing in the awesome veneer that is Jim. Some doubts, extra tiredness, antsyness, sadness, and some just general disillusionment. Well, the last few days, exploring around this lovely city that is London, realizations that I have wasted my existence in life, and or, have not lived it to the things I want to do have really started hitting home.
The worst part, and I don't say this in a condescending way, but, yesterday, I admitted to myself that I am disabled. I think that is the hardest thing I have ever done. It is sad, as Paula said, that I have to feel bad about it, because so many people who are on disability, should not be, or are abusing the system, and therefore, you feel disgusted that you have to admit something like that.
How did this affect me? Honestly, I am still in shock, and hurt and angry. But at the same time, I know it is a starting point for something, not sure precisely what, but it is a start for something. Also, knowing that I have done so many things for others, or things that others think I should do, really has made me feel depressed and angry. Why did I get into certain jobs, when I know I should have gone back to school, why did I get into certain friendships, why did I get into certain relationships? These are all questions that I am not able to answer at the moment. I know that there was one relationship I was very happy to get into, and Paula knows this. The one in which my two kids were born, well, they were the only thing that I have done that I think I am proud of.
Right now, I just have to sift through a tonne of residual information. I have asked help from so many circles, that I have had no want to ask, but, when you realize that you feel as though you are a newling of something, and just need some help to get on your feet, and help you to stay stable, if not at least move ahead, it is not an easy thing. You know the saying, "you can never make a man until you strip him down and humiliate him to the point that the man is no longer?" , I think I am emerging from that. I am not scared, but not totally sure of what lays ahead of me, but I think I will make it what I want it to be. And if there are going to be casualties in that, be they people who don't agree with what I am doing, or are no longer willing to come along for the ride, then I have to learn to appreciate the place they held, but not let it get in the road of making me, one that I like, that I can look at in the mirror and say "hey for a cool crip that you are, you aren't too bad you know!" and that has always been the hard part, being happy with myself. Be they friends, family, others I know, please realize, I appreciate that you have been there, but I need to find me now. I have done everything I can to make people happy, and some cases that has not been enough, but, I can't sacrifice my own happiness, dreams and goals for you anymore.
So, this is my new adventure. Besides exploring this great city that I finally feel at home in, I am now going to find myself. Come along on the journey if you wish, but just remember, your advice will be welcomed, but don't expect me to act on it if it has an agenda or a price attatched to it. I can't play that game anymore.
Best Wishes... LLAP.
Anyways, the last few months, I have noticed some cracks appearing in the awesome veneer that is Jim. Some doubts, extra tiredness, antsyness, sadness, and some just general disillusionment. Well, the last few days, exploring around this lovely city that is London, realizations that I have wasted my existence in life, and or, have not lived it to the things I want to do have really started hitting home.
The worst part, and I don't say this in a condescending way, but, yesterday, I admitted to myself that I am disabled. I think that is the hardest thing I have ever done. It is sad, as Paula said, that I have to feel bad about it, because so many people who are on disability, should not be, or are abusing the system, and therefore, you feel disgusted that you have to admit something like that.
How did this affect me? Honestly, I am still in shock, and hurt and angry. But at the same time, I know it is a starting point for something, not sure precisely what, but it is a start for something. Also, knowing that I have done so many things for others, or things that others think I should do, really has made me feel depressed and angry. Why did I get into certain jobs, when I know I should have gone back to school, why did I get into certain friendships, why did I get into certain relationships? These are all questions that I am not able to answer at the moment. I know that there was one relationship I was very happy to get into, and Paula knows this. The one in which my two kids were born, well, they were the only thing that I have done that I think I am proud of.
Right now, I just have to sift through a tonne of residual information. I have asked help from so many circles, that I have had no want to ask, but, when you realize that you feel as though you are a newling of something, and just need some help to get on your feet, and help you to stay stable, if not at least move ahead, it is not an easy thing. You know the saying, "you can never make a man until you strip him down and humiliate him to the point that the man is no longer?" , I think I am emerging from that. I am not scared, but not totally sure of what lays ahead of me, but I think I will make it what I want it to be. And if there are going to be casualties in that, be they people who don't agree with what I am doing, or are no longer willing to come along for the ride, then I have to learn to appreciate the place they held, but not let it get in the road of making me, one that I like, that I can look at in the mirror and say "hey for a cool crip that you are, you aren't too bad you know!" and that has always been the hard part, being happy with myself. Be they friends, family, others I know, please realize, I appreciate that you have been there, but I need to find me now. I have done everything I can to make people happy, and some cases that has not been enough, but, I can't sacrifice my own happiness, dreams and goals for you anymore.
So, this is my new adventure. Besides exploring this great city that I finally feel at home in, I am now going to find myself. Come along on the journey if you wish, but just remember, your advice will be welcomed, but don't expect me to act on it if it has an agenda or a price attatched to it. I can't play that game anymore.
Best Wishes... LLAP.
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