Pain..

These last few weeks have been brutal on my body. I have had so many things to get done, I have had to go and make trips out nearly every second day. I often wonder why I even leave the house with the amount of pain my body goes through when I go out. Having no vehicle, or no bus that goes to the centre of town, as it is just a walk away, makes it a hell of a lot harder.

Many of you know me well enough to know that I do my best not to complain about my pain. It is generally a private thing, and being honest, I hate having to share and relate about it. But there are times when the pain gets so bad, that I just want to sit and cry. Often, through my own self discipline, strict meditation practices and an ability to just block things out, I can deal with it. Hell, it is how I have dealt with pain the majority of my life. Also, even denying the existence of my pain has helped, but only for short periods of times.

These days, though, my body has become worse. With a ban on training now in place, and to be frank, it is probably a good thing, my body has become more fluid and relaxed. Generally you would think that this is a great thing right? But in the case of my medical condition, relaxed muscles are a curse. As soon as they relax, the spinal column itself starts to move and click in different areas. Breathing becomes more strenuous as the lungs are being moved into different positions within the chest cavity and heart function is impeded. When the muscles do tighten up due to stress, then I get cramps in the muscles and knotting in the tendons. I have around 5 - 10 sets of muscles spasms in a day. The ones in my legs are fine as they are just hsakes and stop of their own accord. The ones in my back cause severe stiffness in the spine, but more painfully, can cause the muscles that attatch at the base of my skull and jaw to actually tighten so badly to induce migraines, locked jaw and reduce rotation in the neck itself.

Then we get to the nerves and heart. Due to the kyphotic hump that I have, as mentioned the internals are in different areas than someone with no back issues. What is scary though, in my view, is that my heart has pressure directly placed on it by the sternum/rib area. This, when climbing the most evil thing in the word, stairs, causes a massive amount of fatigue, just to climb one flight. When I am online gaming, my friends know I have been downstairs and are worried about the sounds I make from breathing. Something else that my doctor drew my attention to, and I had never had an answer to some of the problems it causes, is the severing of the nerves when I had my back opened up 3 times, as well as when they cleared out an infection alongside the spinal column. The first two surgeries involved numerous muscle systems being severed to allow for the expansion of the chest cavity to straighten up my spine. Yes, it was actually worse than it is now. This involved a lot of nerve areas being sliced through along the length of my spine, the inside of my rib cage and the upper part of my pelvic area. This has had numerous side effects, but the worse one is when you are holding something in your hand, and suddenly, your nerves fire and drop everything in your hands. I have had 2 mobile phones repaired this year because of that exact issue. I constantly find my hands shake if I hold my arm out straight. And this has had a very big impact in other parts of my life.

One thing I can pride myself on, is my intellect. I may not have any degrees yet, but was told by the Dean of Students at the University of Alberta many years ago, that I would make a good university professor. That thankfully, is still in tact. But, the biggest cause of this is some major mental health issues. I won't list them all, but one of the worst ones is suicidal tendencies. I have had these pretty much since I was a young kid. I would often think the world would be much better off without me, that my parents would have an easier time of not having to look after a sick child, that it would be a lot less painful to be dead than it would be to exist on the bad days. Due to a very special ex-girlfriend, and someone who even as an extremely close friend, I would hate myself if I hurt, I made a promise with her that if things to too bad, I would not kill myself. Again, as most of you know, I have this incredibly sick sense of humour, so I just tend to make a game of it when I do get to that place. I play the "what would be the most dreadful/disturbing/bizarre ways to die" game. It is the only thing that stops me from going through with the ideas.

All of this leads to a very exhausted and sometimes very distressed and grumpy Jim. I do my best to pleasant, as modern society seems to despise unhappiness for whatever reason. In those moments I prefer to stay at home, and avoid as many people as I can. I know it isn't healthy, but at the same time, being labelled a grouchy old bastard isn't the best of ways to go either. I am doing my best not to be stuck in this rut, but no matter how I much I try at the moment, it just stays there.

One thing I have done is set a gofundme to get parts of my life back under control. I really desire, right now, is just some peace of mind and some space, and this will give me a good head start. The reason I wrote this today, is because I desperately needed to get this down on some sort of medium and to remind myself that I can't keep lying and pretending to myself that the condition isn't as bad as it actually is. I am really tired people, some days I want to be put out to pasture, and others be sent off to the glue factory. Yet at the same time, I want to fight this with every inch of my being, and do something to help others going through this, but right now, it is just tough. Thank you for listening to my candid and very honest post.

How my adulthood was adjusted playing Solitaire as a kid.

I truly believe that Solitaire should be a required lesson at school. No, wait a minute, I have found that it has made me a rather well adjusted individual (if you mean compared to other nutcases, I am quite well adjusted thanks!). But anyways, here are a list of things that I think Solitaire has impressed upon me growing up.

1: The deck is loaded more oft than not: Yup, you always seem to get a good "vibe" from the deck, and suddenly it bites back and laughs at you. I have found life is a lot like this, and well, you just laugh back at the deck and re-shuffle the motherplucker!
2: Things are not always as they seem: Life is a lot like this, take friends, family, co-workers, governments the universe itself. All masquerading as though they are here for you, then bam, no more good cards coming up, and you think that last card hidden on the right hand column under your almost perfectly laid out set is the 2 of damned hearts. This is pretty much life here folks. There is always something lurking facedown under a pile of cards that you can't get to.. answer to that.. re-shuffle the motherplucker!
3: Patience is not always rewarded: Pretty much read all of number 2, and then remember how many times you thought "I am going to stick this through" when in all logic and totality, you should have re-shuffled the motherplucker!
4: Patience can be rewarded, no matter how low the success rate: Believe me, after playing thousands and thousands of games of solitaire, you get that childhood grin of "I just kicked your arse and am taking the ball home with me now as an insult" grin on your face. You know it, you have done it and you are going to totally and utterly show how bad arse you are, by re-shuffling that motherplucker and being all gangsta on it.
5: Solitaire like Karma, bites hard: Having just read point 4, you realize that Solitaire is the card version of Karma. You get all happy and uppity, dance around a bit after a stunning victory, and then bam, 20 games plus losing streak. Does this sound familiar about life? Solitaire is Karma's text book on life. Play it, and learn the lessons. Feel like re-shuffling the deck anymore??
6: Doing something the easy way, while immediately gratifying, leaves you feeling empty: Are you a 1 card dealer or do you prefer the hard life lesson instruction of the 3 card deal? Sure, dealing with one card at a time makes it easy, gives you better chances of winning, which makes you feel good, but at the same time, nowhere in life does this happen that easily. Sure, you could fake your resume, over-sell yourself at an interview, promote yourself as the best thing since sliced bread or the lightsaber bread knife/toaster, but at the end of it all, you don't feel challenged. Ok, maybe for the younger generation, sitting down with a deck of cards is an achievement all in itself, BUT, it still doesn't make you feel that much more pumped about victory! I am so reshuffling you deck!
7: There are many variations of solitaire, and they are all out to add spice (or curses): This sounds like life in more ways than one. Be it drugs, women/men, foods, cars, sex, alcohol, my little ponies, no matter what you do, there are more ways to do it. For example, Spider solitaire, Free Cell, Regular Solitaire and the most evil ever imagined (in my opinion, and only doable with real cards) Clock Solitaire. Like time itself, Clock Solitaire is the face of ball breaking (or vag vacuuming), sweat inducing, soul destroying patience. What is worse, it takes up a lot of space to set up! But, again, like all forms of solitaire, there are lessons here. Time is something that is precious, you have to be patient with it, yet go out and do something with your life. If you aren't playing the game, you aren't living life. And that my friends, is why I think I am pretty well adjusted. Thank you Solitaire.

I am thinking of starting my own....

Ministry service! That is right, by the love all things, I want to start a ministry service. I hear you say, "But Jim, we know you are not religious, and you can't even say that you are pure, sweet and innocent with a straight face", and you would be right! BUT, this isn't any ordinary ministry!

No, no my friends, this is a fitness ministry. Jim Smith's Fitministry! Or Disministry of Fitness. Actually, we shall go with option 2 on this one!! So, if by the grace of Cthulhu, and the metals steel and iron, I would like to quote something very holy to you.

Deadlifticus
Romanians
Single Leg. 1: Before you, on thine ground, if you can spotteth thine dumbbell laying just in front of thoust 2:feet, which should be covered in the most appropriateth of clothing, not being all ill-fitting, and made 3: of materials that will upseteth, and hurteth thine toes underneath, thoust should approach with a foot, not much more than the length of thine own hand away from the dumbbell. 4: Thou shoult keep thine leg firmly braced, and with thine opposing hand, which be raiseth above thine head at full stretch 4: be brought down to thine weight, whilst at the same time, like a water tipping fountain in a garden, 5: thine other leg, with glutes engaged fully to keep the leg straight and strong, come up behind you like death to the infirm. 6: Once thine weight has been grasped firmly, thou shalt at the most stable and effecientest of movements, come back up, and raiseth thine weight above the head, in worship and happiness of the love of fitness.

Yeah.. The book of Deadlificticus is the most holy and loved, and even diverse books of Disministry of Fitness. And unlike all other religious groups, we don't discriminate on sexual orientation, beauty or lack thereof. The Ten Commandments, most important of commandments, is Pick Up Thine Own Fucking Weights After Use.

I think I might be on(to) something here!

A New Year!! Woot!

For starters, where the fuck has January gone?!?! Really!

Ok, some awesome things have happened of late.
1: Getting some fantastic feedback from clients. Especially my young Mauritian lady who was in an accident, and is now half deadlifting just under double her bodyweight after 9 sessions!
2: One of my multi-medical condition clients just told me she has lost 2.5kg. Woot!
3: My client, and now becoming close friend, has told me he is going to sign up for another 10 sessions in a few weeks time. We have made some good progress after his bike accident a few years ago.
4: Another client who is sojourning in Belgium right now, and had her hips broken in three places is kicking arse and taking names, and is constantly smiling at each noticeable improvement!
5: I have started to have a "social life", whatever that entails. I am getting out a bit more, and am slowly getting comfortable about who I am now. Working on being a bit more, active I guess in my social life. Start trying to make some meetups.
6: Working out some new 2-3year plans. Most involve not being in the UK longer than that, hopefully less if I can figure out a way to travel and work.

It seems things are going good for the beginning of the year. June is a time I am looking forward to. I can't wait to see what unfolds and will keep you all up to date.
With love to all.