I guess it is about time...

Well, life has been interesting, but when you feel it is for the great part a lie, there are times you have to correct it. What is worse, is when that lie is forced on you by others, your family, your parents and society.

The lie started when I was 5. Yeah, it was a long, long lie. I asked if I could learn to play violin, and the reply I received stuck very firmly in my mind, "I don't want ** *** to be gay". Yeah, pretty shit thing to tell a 5 year old, who already knew that it was ok to think that Freddy Mercury, David Bowie, Kate Bush, Diana Ross were all very attractive and found no reason to not think otherwise.

Throughout the years, knowing I was attracted to boys and girls was constantly reinforced. Playing doctor, comparing genitals, I found I liked both. They both had the fun behaviour's but sex was the most distant thing in my mind, it was a huge life changing period in my life. I found myself being forced by either family, friends or school to do things I didn't enjoy. Hunting bored me, but I learned lessons from it, playing team sports was a nightmare especially afterwards when we got changed and you had to not look. I think even in primary school a few of my friends knew.

When highschool came along, it was worse. I was being bullied about my back, but also hormones were kicking in. There were a few moments with some great friends, where I was tempted to say that I was interested in both boys and girls, and having spoken to a few of them recently, some knew the first day we met. Damn you Samie Jape LOL!! But, the pressure from family to be more "manly" was increasing. I joined air cadets, which sucked, while the uniform complemented my baby blues, the air force wasn't my thing. I then switched to Army cadets, where the only thing that was pleasant was, I didn't get bullied, and I didn't have pressure to be something I wasn't. Sure, if I had joined the military if my health permitted it, and I am not even going to touch on that subject, I would have had my pick of any posting, but other than the good friends and a capable guiding hand in a lot of areas of my life in the form of my cadet commander, I would rather have stuck with music, linguistics and history.

The best thing about highschool, was getting a road bike, it was a sport where I could just do my own thing, not have to worry about anyone thinking differently. Also, I met some really beautiful human beings, they know who they are, Willie, Doigy, Samie and a few others. Funnily enough, it turns out they were gay or bi also. Then, the pressure to have a girlfriend, and start thinking about a family came along. I had always stated to mum, who ironically would be the one who would be the most angered about me being bi, was ok with it when I said "I don't want kids. I want to travel, and see the world, and live in remote places for as long as I want to". That to me is the ideal life. I don't do well in settling down. But, then the "I want grandchildren and a legacy" speech came along, and well, I knew I was fucked and put into a very hard place. Marriage, a shit divorce, and a fantastic ex girlfriend came out of that adventure. Also two kids, who due to shit divorce, which I am sure most of you know the story behind by now, came about, and I only had the chance to live with for a few years. The one thing I am certain of is that my son is going to either be gay or bi, and the one thing I will tell him if I ever meet up with him again is "I don't really give a damn who you like, love them and be happy. I don't want you to feel the need to give me grand kids, my legacy will be in how I treat others, not in some stupid strand of DNA." To me, immortality is in the thoughts of others, plus my DNA is a bit scrambled anyways.

So just want to finish this off with a few things:
1: Yes, I am bi, men and women are both attractive in their own ways. Why hide something so beautiful when the world is in a major shortage of love and compassion as it is.
2: Thanks to all those who I have already told, and still appreciate who I am, and even to those who said "Yeah I kinda figured as much, but didn't want to tell you as it is you who had to find out". Ok, that bit, I love you but you still suck Samie Jape.
3: Paula, thanks for being totally supportive and helping me feel better about our relationship. As you said, at least I wasn't trying to prove if I was not gay (nothing wrong with being gay) but I totally agree with how much of a prick behaviour that would have been. And yes, you are right, both sides of the fence are fun to play on, and sometimes getting stuck in the middle sounds awesome too!! Love you tonnes my friend.
4: Willie Veritz, or whatever name you are using now lol, thanks so much for helping me out with this. It wasn't easy to tell the few people I told before this, but I knew you were going to be good with it, as we were extremely close friends growing up. Love ya tonnes and if you ever need to chat, you know where I am.
5: Doigy, thanks for being an absolute awesome friend, you were there when a lot of others weren't. I miss having you around bro, and thanks for being cool with this as well. Your support helped make writing this a lot easier.
6: Takeshi, you crazy little Japanese guy you, thanks for helping make this a lot easier as well. Hiten, thanks to you also. Glad to have had your friendship out of all this
7: For those I haven't told, and especially to the guys on here. No, unless I have told you in private, I have no interest in you other than friends. Sorry to blow your bubbles LOL. But yeah, a lot of my friend were made when I was having to suppress this. As a few of you know, Australia in the 80s/90s was not the best place to be anything other than a manly Aussie, hell, with the rise of the Christian Right in Australia, it probably won't be again.
8: I don't apologize for anything I have said in this email. If you are offended, then you were part of the cause. I have severe compassion and sympathy for you, that you can't see beyond societal and religious brainwashing, and understand that love and compassion, are the prime movers in humanity, then I am afraid you are part of the problem as to why humanity is in the shit state it is in. I sincerely wish you a happy life if you wish to move on and part as friends. I am thankful for all the things up until this point in time.

So,there we have it. Jim is Bi and proud of it. Just have to tell my one roomie in person when he gets back, so he won't be able to see this post. Thanks for reading it.
Peace, compassion and love to all of you.
Jim.

Mental Focus..

Mental focus is an important gift to those who meditate, and to those who don't. Being able to focus on something intently is often hard enough for a lot of people. Not because they are less intelligent, or too intelligent, or mentally unstable. No, what the problem is, is that modern life has left us with so much interference in our lives, so much spamming via commercials, print media, electronic media, news, up to date this' and thats' and a whole manner of other things, that we forget that we are here in the world also.

So how, how then do we expect us to be able to focus on nothing? To clear that mind and to sit in the moment of stillness and soak it up? I have often wondered what would a life be like without being able to do that? Then I got scared of all the clutter in my head, the messed up dreams I would have (which are messed up enough already), and a multitude of other worse case scenarios. I will let you know my methods momentarily, but I want to focus on the reasons as to why the ability to do this is so important.

As I spoke about previously, Disciplined Compassion is a life-long lifestyle choice I have made. It allows me to be firm, and yet compassionate. Understanding that it also applies to myself as much, if not so more importantly than it does to others, allowed me to realize that there is a balance in all things. And just as much as there is a need to be compassionate and disciplined in action and thought, there is also the need to be relaxed in both. You find that if you are too compassionate you become prey for those who take advantage, and if you are too discipline, people won't want to be around you. And that goes with the space between your ears. If you are too inundated with incoming data, you are going to be no use to someone if you can't filter and sort it out, but if you are too focused on your spiritualism, you are either going to be off in the clouds or stumbling over your feet. Focus, is like any instrument we possess, it's use must be balanced, proportionate to the task required, and not used for too long a period of time.

Another reason that focus is so important, is that it allows you to delve into regions of your mind, and work on things that you wouldn't otherwise consider. Finding the source of your failures, the successes, the creativity, the self-destruction, these are all achieved by focusing within. These are real, tangible things that can be worked on to improve yourself. Focus here, and you can change your life. Focusing also allows you to accept change more readily, because when you understand that most of your failures, your successes, your creations and destructive habits are caused by yourself, and not your target of choice, you understand the desire to change. And change within yourself, and others will notice the change without. You will feel more confident, you will be able to better assess life, choices and feel a sense of self contentment.

Ok, now to the hows. I will share with you my basic meditation. I used this generally if I need a quick brain dump. It can be done pretty much anywhere. I like either just sitting in the park on a bench, or standing in my room over a stick of incense with my eyes closed.
Step 1: I relax my breathing, due to my kyphosis, this is a very easy thing for me to do. I just take shallower short breaths and wait for the feeling in my chest to where I need to breathe in again.
Step 2: What I do next is pretty much try to focus on something. It is either a pattern, or of late, that spot of time at the height of my breath before my chest falls to breathe out. This is the point where I choose to take the next breath, and is a beautiful moment to me.
Step 3: After doing this for about 2 minutes, that spot of time seems to come to a standstill, and you realize that there is a whole universe of time, in that one instant. Your mind fills in with a sense of peace knowing that you control how you live, how you react or not react to things, how you CHOOSE when to let that air out of our lungs. In this point, when you focus on the serenity of it, everything in the world shuts out. As the Buddha taught in the Anapanasati Sutta, being mindful of the breath and how it effects breathing, the body, the sensations of the body, it brings about quietness and a greater understanding of the body.

Breathing is the most instrumental thing in our life. Without it we don't exist, and for anyone beginning meditation, or even learning to focus, I find it is one of the easiest things to focus on. This also helps in exercise too. When you are working hard, using this technique can bring down your heart rate by around 10beats a minute (I have had it measured with a heart rate monitor). This allows the heart to come to rest sooner and gives you a bit more energy for the next phase of your workout. Also, it is a great form of remembering we are all connected to one another. If we remember that every living mammal breathes the air we breathe, and does so by the same process of inhaling air, we come to understand that our world is vibrant.

I hope you all have a fantastic breathing focus session, and drop a comment to tell me how you did!!!

Disciplined Compassion...

I know these are two words that generally don't seem to come to be close together, but hear me out.

When you are truly dedicating yourself to your life, you become focused, disciplined in what you want to do. You put in effort that you didn't think you could have, you think differently, you discipline and structure your life around it. I think to me, discipline is what has kept me alive after all the surgeries and stuff that I have been through in my life. Self-Discipline, is like a bandage, a brace or a shield that keeps me focused on what I see as my existence in this world. To me, discipline invokes several things, Buddhist monks meditating for days on end, Samurai practicing, skilled military units, high end athletes. Discipline is the force behind so many success stories.

Compassion. That is a hard word to use without summoning the responses of either "weak willed" or "bleeding heart liberal". Compassion is so far the opposite that it is inconceivable for me to understand how people use these words about compassion. Honest, deep commitment to a compassionate life is not easy. To understand compassion, you have to understand yourself. You have to understand yourself at your weakest and your strongest, and be willing to understand both are components of your life that will constantly happen in many areas of it. Compassion then means you have to understand these will happen in others too. To not judge someone based on compassion, is understanding that they represent the same core values that you do. That they live in life, that they see what the world does to itself, to those who live within it, and knows that it places great strain on one's humanity.

To practice compassion, you have to be open to a very easy to explain, but hard to practice sentence. Humanity is interconnected and what happens to one happens to all. This lesson was taught to me by a Buddhist monk when I was younger, and a boy in the bed next to me died, and I didn't see him the next morning. He explained that the reason I was sad, is because we had become friends, and as friends, he had made an impact on me, and even though I didn't know him that well, that string had been made, and then had been broken. As adults, we become jaded by all these external things, a lot of them are thoroughly important, like living, money, housing, food, family and friends. But a lot of them are used as distractions, that make us feel a part of something greater than ourselves, and thus devalues what we are as a species. Football teams, cricket clubs, cities, counties/provinces/states, nations and religions are all artificial constructs that deflect our attention from the constant thing in this world. That we are all one species, we all have the same core dreams and needs, and what they are is:

1: Peace, so that we may go about our lives in safety and without fear.
2: Love, to give and to receive. We love our families, our partners, friends, pets, children, and we cherish and desire that in return.
3: Health, that we may interact with the world, the beautiful things in it, and do it without pain and suffering. And finally
4: Happiness, to do all of the above, that we may enjoy it, and feel satisfied with what we create, what we do and how we live our lives.

All humans harbour these basic needs, and compassion, is understanding that we all have the same core principles, compassion is acting with knowledge of this forefront in our mind when we deal with others. Disciplined Compassion, is a concerted effort to practice this not only outwardly to others, but also be compassionate to yourself. To understand that you have these values, these core tenets and understand that it is permissible to apply them to yourself, to have compassion for yourself, is one of the hardest things for people to understand. To say that I am worthy of the success that I create, the Love that I crave, the Health that I work towards and the Happiness to enjoy it, has been so ingrained into us to mean greed, to mean narcissism to mean not following the majority, that those who do, often feel abandoned. When you start placing your values on something outside of yourself to make your happiness, your peace, love and health, then you give up the power to enjoy it when you create it, and sadly when that outside force/person/idea doesn't return it, it feeds into hate, and all the things that compassion diametrically opposes.

So when you hear me say today, I am focusing on my Disciplined Compassion, you will know that not only am I focusing on my understanding and interactions with others, I am giving myself re-affirmation that it is ok that I give the same to myself. (Picture credits to me!)

Top 10 List of why Schuermann's Kyphosis can be entertaining!

I have decided to do a humourous post on Kyphosis, in the good old Top 10 format. So here goes:

Top 10 Reasons Schuermann's Kyphosis can be Entertaining

1: Random tendon releases when you move your neck. It sounds like a starting pistol at an athletics event, yet nobody hears it.

2: The most bizarre places ever for muscle cramps. Seriously how many cramps do you get in your lower Multifidus?

3: Longissimus Cervicis.. poor thing, it makes the most entertaining snapping noises when you turn your head.

4: Dolphin skillz.. yup, if I am doing just the kicking in the pool, and I have a snorkel, I can move pretty damned fast.

5: Drowning skillz.. yeah, due to the Scapula, Trapezius, Rotator Cuff and AC joint mess that are known as the shoulder girdle, and the above mentioned neck issues, free style is renamed in my case to drowning in style.

6: Not being able to get that last bit of drink out of a can. Yup, unlike you boring flat back people, I can't tilt my head far enough back to drain a can of soft drink/pop. Hmmmm, should always carry straws. (will add some straws to shopping list)

7: Interesting body positions during sex.. If you have seen Bram Stokers Dracula, where the werewolf is going for it on that lady at the manor...

8: Good basis for Halloween dressup. I am thinking of a Werewolf next time..

9: Too much humidity makes breathing exhausting. Seriously, had no issues in Canada with breathing, it was a blissful experience. Next move will have to be to the Himalayas I think.

10: Having normals come up to you in the gym and think you are inspirational. This one was hard to get used to. But, I guess the fact that a lot of people keep themselves in bed with a lot less, and I am still up and at em, then I guess yeah, I can be inspirational.

Bonus perk for us Mass Effect gamers:
I can yell "I AM KROGAN!!!"

So, enjoy! Remember, disability is a disability, how you take determines what type of person you are.

Ch-ch-ch-changes!!

Well, all quiet on the British front! Weather is worse than the smell of Hitler's moustache. Actually, I think Britain made mistake during WWII, that is probably why the Luftwaffe ran out of France in a hurry. They only started dropping bombs because we shot at them first. You know, having a lack of communication is always a bad start to a potential friendship.

Anyways, as usual I digress. So, updates: I have started my personal training course, well now I have almost finished it. I have actually went out to, wait for it, mix with strangers, some of whom have already become instant friends. I have also been getting my nutrition back on track. Pretty much all junk food is gone, dark chocolate coated ginger is NOT junk food, I don't care who you talk to. No lollies/candy, I have only had 1 can of Jamaican ginger beer in 2 weeks, and have pretty much done away with soy and am now a coconut milk convert. Soooo nom!!

Well, oh on the PT front, the bursary I applied for in September last year was approved, too late to pay for my personal training course, so they are going to give me my medical referral course instead. So yeah, this I think will be smart! Just imagine, you are a patient after some major surgery, and you have to go to a gym on your doctors recommendation. Would you rather see some buff youngster with the body of Adonis (well ok, some of you might lol) or would you rather see someone who has been through the trenches and came out with just enough sanity to understand your shit too? And the fact that he has cute blue eyes tops off the deal too right? Yah, that's what I thought! So yah, folks, that is me for the last few months. Thankfully I don't have to sit the nutrition exam, but instead get more time to study physiology instead. So any lass with a hot bod and good muscle tone who wants to help a fellow fitness nut play "Name the muscles you see when I flex here".. just erm, drop us a comment. ;-)

Oh,and guess what, I flirted with a very hot young lass on my night out... and didn't mess it up lol

Peace peeps!

Getting restless

It is sad to say, that there are human beings in your family tree, that whilst they were horrendous people in life, you still get some positive things passed down. That was pretty much my grandfather. No reason to go into detail, rather let's just say, I would be in the torture squad if that was still allowed, and thankfully, his taint has been removed from the earth, and is shut in some hole in a brick wall in a graveyard somewhere.

Well, the only things that I remember learning from him was his love of India and exploration. The other was his hatred of the Irish, which has now been well and truly exorcised (thanks gorgeous Irish lass in business college whose name I can't remember anymore!). Anyways. Yeah. So I have this insatiable urge at the moment to pretty much drop everything, find a someone to loan me 10 - 15k and doing a round the world bike ride. I have these two gorgeous human beings as friends, who I would gladly love to do fundraising for. I also have this deep need to get out of the western lifestyle, and just go nomad or something. There are places I have wanted to visit since I was 4, and well, since I feel that I don't fit into normal society (thank goodness, normals are way too boring at times), I would love to get out, and travel the world, and raise awareness for spinal research and agent orange orphans.

So, this isn't just some whim either. On and off for the last 20 years, I have wanted to get out and explore the world. Those of you from high school may remember me prattling on about the Atlan Mountains, the Himalayas, India, Tibet, Nepal, etc. I think civilization, or the lack thereof somedays, has just gotten to me to the point where I need to go find myself again. Out there, is a leader, a gentleman, a comedian, a lover, a wise man, an architect of life and thought, and I intend on finding him again. Parts have come and gone, and the bizarre thing is, I have only felt that when I have been close to death during surgery or its post effects. I know that when I find me, things will be whole again, and if on this journey of rediscovery, I can help raise awareness of two causes close to my heart, then all the better right?

I have already, over the years, mapped the big parts of the route as I have always known that I would end up in the UK sometime. I find it a great starting point. Plus, I think it will do my body good. Get me away from all this tempting junk food lol. Except jelly beans, that is the cyclists power punch!

What really happened before Obama's speech today...

Ok, yeah.. I just listened to that speech, and it sounded much better in my head than it did on tv. Sorry, you could tell he wasn't reading a lot of his own words. I can see it now:


script writer(sw): Hey Obama, so you can only say 20% of your own speech in your own way.

Obama: Why?

sw: Well, firstly it is MLK day, so you have to do something with that, well because you are well, you know, African American.

Obama: Really, I am the pres you know?

sw: yes, but you have no say anymore. Secondly, you have to pander to the religious right, make them feel loved, say God a lot, that usually helps with that. Mention faith and family, you should be good.

Obama: But I am... never mind.

sw: Ok, next, you have to talk about the troops, they are after all shedding blood for a war that your peo.... I mean the last president started... yeah that's it.

Obama: what were you just about to say??

sw: Ok, next, give them some hope, don't sugar coat it, but be real. Mention education to get the liberals happy, that shit always makes the liberals happy. Also, you have to mention sciences, Liberals love that word. You may have to mention God a few more times, just to put ease to the religious right, they don't like that word.

Obama: *sighs*

sw: Pres, no sighing, that makes ratings suck. Ok, also, you need to not sound as smart as you are, that puts the majority of the population at ease. Makes them think that the reality tv programming bullshit might just be used to dumb them down. Mention random lines, hell just repeat We the people every paragraph and a half, and well, maybe a few random other lines from the Constitution, and that will appease the Teabaggers.. I mean Tea Party..

Obama: So how much of this speech can I have input into?

sw: Well, now that we have that out of the road, maybe about 5% now. Oh, and just to let you know, we won't be calling you Barak Hussein Obama. We will instead go with just Barak H. Obama.

Obama: WTF? Do I want to know why?

sw: George Bush Sr and Jr still get nightmares when Hussein is mentioned. They see their oil profits drop 30% and lose sleep that they didn't bomb Iraq back into the Jurassic era.

Obama: Fuck this..

Be.A.Man

Firstly, I want to say that this topic came up via a post by my dear, and sometimes old fashioned friend, Humaira Riaz.

What does this mean? Really?

To me, it means this. Don't be the type of guy who hides your emotions, holds on to outdated stereotypes both of women and traditional male roles in society. If you want to play a violin, don't listen when someone in your family says it is gay, do it. If you want to be a hair dresser, do it. Don't think that because you are a man, that you are better at everything than women. Remember that it is through education/dedication/hard work/persistence and perseverance that makes you better at something than someone else.

What I am trying to say is this. Be.A.Man that anyone would like to be for all the real reasons, not the fake reasons that people think are important. Live your life honestly, love yourself and others with utmost passion. Help those who are not as fortunate as yourself and don't expect recognition for it. Love those who are defenceless and protect them to your utmost capacity. Honour those who came before you if they are worthy, and honour those who come after you if they prove worthy of it. Respect yourself, your friends, your home and your surroundings. And finally, be at peace with all of this, knowing that what you do, can change so many things in someones' so drastically, that you may actually be the cause of something great, or something tragic.

The 1950's - 1980's role model

Or the modern male (Insert a picture of yourself here!!)