The lie started when I was 5. Yeah, it was a long, long lie. I asked if I could learn to play violin, and the reply I received stuck very firmly in my mind, "I don't want ** *** to be gay". Yeah, pretty shit thing to tell a 5 year old, who already knew that it was ok to think that Freddy Mercury, David Bowie, Kate Bush, Diana Ross were all very attractive and found no reason to not think otherwise.
Throughout the years, knowing I was attracted to boys and girls was constantly reinforced. Playing doctor, comparing genitals, I found I liked both. They both had the fun behaviour's but sex was the most distant thing in my mind, it was a huge life changing period in my life. I found myself being forced by either family, friends or school to do things I didn't enjoy. Hunting bored me, but I learned lessons from it, playing team sports was a nightmare especially afterwards when we got changed and you had to not look. I think even in primary school a few of my friends knew.
When highschool came along, it was worse. I was being bullied about my back, but also hormones were kicking in. There were a few moments with some great friends, where I was tempted to say that I was interested in both boys and girls, and having spoken to a few of them recently, some knew the first day we met. Damn you Samie Jape LOL!! But, the pressure from family to be more "manly" was increasing. I joined air cadets, which sucked, while the uniform complemented my baby blues, the air force wasn't my thing. I then switched to Army cadets, where the only thing that was pleasant was, I didn't get bullied, and I didn't have pressure to be something I wasn't. Sure, if I had joined the military if my health permitted it, and I am not even going to touch on that subject, I would have had my pick of any posting, but other than the good friends and a capable guiding hand in a lot of areas of my life in the form of my cadet commander, I would rather have stuck with music, linguistics and history.
The best thing about highschool, was getting a road bike, it was a sport where I could just do my own thing, not have to worry about anyone thinking differently. Also, I met some really beautiful human beings, they know who they are, Willie, Doigy, Samie and a few others. Funnily enough, it turns out they were gay or bi also. Then, the pressure to have a girlfriend, and start thinking about a family came along. I had always stated to mum, who ironically would be the one who would be the most angered about me being bi, was ok with it when I said "I don't want kids. I want to travel, and see the world, and live in remote places for as long as I want to". That to me is the ideal life. I don't do well in settling down. But, then the "I want grandchildren and a legacy" speech came along, and well, I knew I was fucked and put into a very hard place. Marriage, a shit divorce, and a fantastic ex girlfriend came out of that adventure. Also two kids, who due to shit divorce, which I am sure most of you know the story behind by now, came about, and I only had the chance to live with for a few years. The one thing I am certain of is that my son is going to either be gay or bi, and the one thing I will tell him if I ever meet up with him again is "I don't really give a damn who you like, love them and be happy. I don't want you to feel the need to give me grand kids, my legacy will be in how I treat others, not in some stupid strand of DNA." To me, immortality is in the thoughts of others, plus my DNA is a bit scrambled anyways.
So just want to finish this off with a few things:
1: Yes, I am bi, men and women are both attractive in their own ways. Why hide something so beautiful when the world is in a major shortage of love and compassion as it is.
2: Thanks to all those who I have already told, and still appreciate who I am, and even to those who said "Yeah I kinda figured as much, but didn't want to tell you as it is you who had to find out". Ok, that bit, I love you but you still suck Samie Jape.
3: Paula, thanks for being totally supportive and helping me feel better about our relationship. As you said, at least I wasn't trying to prove if I was not gay (nothing wrong with being gay) but I totally agree with how much of a prick behaviour that would have been. And yes, you are right, both sides of the fence are fun to play on, and sometimes getting stuck in the middle sounds awesome too!! Love you tonnes my friend.
4: Willie Veritz, or whatever name you are using now lol, thanks so much for helping me out with this. It wasn't easy to tell the few people I told before this, but I knew you were going to be good with it, as we were extremely close friends growing up. Love ya tonnes and if you ever need to chat, you know where I am.
5: Doigy, thanks for being an absolute awesome friend, you were there when a lot of others weren't. I miss having you around bro, and thanks for being cool with this as well. Your support helped make writing this a lot easier.
6: Takeshi, you crazy little Japanese guy you, thanks for helping make this a lot easier as well. Hiten, thanks to you also. Glad to have had your friendship out of all this
7: For those I haven't told, and especially to the guys on here. No, unless I have told you in private, I have no interest in you other than friends. Sorry to blow your bubbles LOL. But yeah, a lot of my friend were made when I was having to suppress this. As a few of you know, Australia in the 80s/90s was not the best place to be anything other than a manly Aussie, hell, with the rise of the Christian Right in Australia, it probably won't be again.
8: I don't apologize for anything I have said in this email. If you are offended, then you were part of the cause. I have severe compassion and sympathy for you, that you can't see beyond societal and religious brainwashing, and understand that love and compassion, are the prime movers in humanity, then I am afraid you are part of the problem as to why humanity is in the shit state it is in. I sincerely wish you a happy life if you wish to move on and part as friends. I am thankful for all the things up until this point in time.
So,there we have it. Jim is Bi and proud of it. Just have to tell my one roomie in person when he gets back, so he won't be able to see this post. Thanks for reading it.
Peace, compassion and love to all of you.
Jim.
