So, today was a very important day for me today. I had a really good therapy session, and finally am starting to see a bit of a turn around. Still a LOT of stuff to get through, but it was also one of the first times, in a very long time, where I have been able to admit that, and actually believe it as fact, not just to make others happy to hear me say something good about myself for once, but I finally admitted, that I have done well with the cards I have been dealt. It hasn't been easy, and as I said, it won't ever be easy as many people have it, as I don't have much to show for my life in the way of houses, cars and all those permanent possessions. But considering the penalty points stacked against me, the fact that I am on both feet, and slowly getting back into fight mode after an horrendous year and a bit, I have, to my own metrics, done well.
Let me share with you something, that has been super hard for me to deal with. Having to quit personal training, was at one point, something that made me question my continued existence. It was for the first time in my life, something that I excelled at, and had verifiable results to prove it, tangibles that I couldn't sweep under the rug as just luck or flukes. It hit me hard. Probably worse than my divorce. Mind you, I didn't have Jamie take me out on the piss either to help with that one, thanks brother, much love to you on that one. But yes, it was the first time I had felt that I had failed, even though I hadn't. It was the second time in my life where my health issues ruined a major life dream. It was the third time that I let myself slip into melancholy and depression to sink, into oblivion. It, and one or two other personal things had just compounded into eachother, and made me loathe myself, spiritually, physically, emotionally and, just in general, hate who I am. Hate is a strong word, but it is true. I hid all this under a guise of not wanting to upset or be a burden to friends and family. My fantastic psychologist has purged me of feeling that I am a burden, that I am more than just a burden on the state, on my family, on the planet. To have these thoughts, over things that you can't change, over the idea that you feel you don't matter, is worse than anything I have ever felt, the bullying, the emotional bullying and other things.
But, the last 3 or 4 days, something deep down, that, reserve core of self, wisdom, bios reset if you will, activated. It made me come to understand that, the root cause was the excruciatingly high standards I set for myself when I was a kid and being bullied. I had to prove I was better than I was being told. And, 30 plus years later, it burnt me out. It, not burned me out, it scuttled me. The quitting training, was the last explosive that sunk the ship beyond salvage, other than for scrap. It was a hard year, a very near final year in regards for being on the edge of giving up and just wasting away. But I hid that, I hid it from everyone because it was a burden, in my mind, that nobody should have to bear. But, then I realized, that firstly, I have been there for so many of you in many ways through the years, not because I expected something in return for it, but because I love you, each one of you who have known me since kindy, primary and high schools. I was there for you because I never wanted you to feel a burden when you weren't, and I didn't apply this to myself. The other reason that made hide it all, was shame. I admit, I fell in the shame to be another disabled person. Fight it as much as I did, with poor taste jokes and sick humour, I honestly felt that I was just another statistic, another glitch in the software of the fabric of humanity. To feel that, isn't because I find other disabled people to be disgusting or anything like that, it is because of the way society has made us feel. It is disgusting, that those who think they have nothing to fear about life because they are perfectly capable of normal function, can put that down on a strata of society, and then manage to call themselves human, is a fucking disgrace, and a stain on the name of humanity. It leaves an exceedingly sour taste in my mouth, that people, have made me feel like this because I ended up a statistic because of the evils of society. It isn't through the fault of my father's service in Nam, or my mother's use of chemicals in farming, it is in this disgusting, perverted need for violence, shortcuts and a short time profit regardless of the long term effects.
These last 4 days have been excruciatingly painful as they have been blissfully enlightening. To understand that my life was based on abstracts of things that I didn't believe in or feel any connection to, was just one of the most horrible things to comprehend. To know that there is this very beautiful being inside, that was bullied, emotionally and physically through school, through random strangers, because I didn't fit the role of perfection that society demands really cut deep. But, because of my finally getting bits and pieces back from when I felt whole, that time of being five and understanding that loving people regardless of gender or race, didn't make me wrong, it made me right, it made me happy. But, when society, is so disassociated from love, that it makes people question love, it shows that we may not have advanced as much as we believe we have.
The one thing it did show me, and I am thankful for, is that it showed me, that those people I love, and call friends and family, don't feel burdened by my existence, and would find a void that is hard to replace if it were there. The human mind, can be the most amazing thing, creative, always striving for that next best thing, goal, event or level of consciousness. BUT, and I wish I could make it 1 AU high, in big red letters, it can be the most cruel, horrible, destructive, hateful and just foul thing at the same time. It can lead one part of society, to feel alone, forgotten, belittled, hated and ostracized for nothing more than a genetic malfunction. Society demands perfection, but constantly fails to produce it, and when those "societal failures" come along, if they can't be destroyed, then they need to be moved out of sight, or belittled, because what it does, it shows us two things. It shows us that we are all very much capable of becoming the thing it doesn't like, and it shows us our immortality. Finally, it shows that we can't demand perfection.
Realizing this over the last few days, and on this last point above, decades, made me understand, that I don't have to conform, I refuse conform and I will not be a statistic anymore. And that, I owe to "my friends" both old and new, my psychologist, and most importantly, that part of me that refused to roll over and give up. If it is one thing I can say, is that I am one tenacious bastard, and I will always do my best to be so. So I promise you all this, in future, if I need a shoulder to lean on, or just a pep talk, I will ask. That is my only new year resolution that I will make, because I don't believe in that new year resolution stuff, only because it happened around the new year. I wanted to post this, because I felt that I needed to be honest with everyone. I needed to be honest with myself, and maybe, just because I wanted someone else to see it, in the hope that if it helps them, then, that something beautiful has come out of the ugliness that has been the last year.
Love you all so much, and just want to thank you all for being who you all are
