Personal post.

I have a great love of writing thoughts about the things that I see, do and hear of the happenings in the world around me, but what most people don't know, is the depth and level of my internal thoughts and the related writings that come from them.

Of late, much has been happening and it seems that finally my health seems to be stabilizing. Now, that doesn't mean that everything has magically reveresed and I am getting healthier, it just means that my body has again adapted to a new paradigm, or set of instructions/conditions that it has to work in. I liken my body to a car in Cuba, no matter the state of repair or disrepair that mybdy is in, it always seems to try and run in an optimal way for the current phase it is in. This is what is called adaption, and I firmly believe that that is the one things disabled people have a thing with which the world could sure learn about. But, since I am more often than not, not dishonest about what I type, but more, reticent to put the whole of everything up for public consumption.

I have a dislike of being too upfront about my health conditions. Those who know more about me on a personal level, or were there when I have been to doctors or surgeries, have a fair idea of what my life is projected to look like. But those who know me extremely well, know that is something I will continously challenge until I am either hit with an excessive quantity of information that makes me understand that Ineed to slow down, or, my body shuts down to the point where I am in need of an armed guard to keep my from going out too often and doing stupid stuff.|

But, what is the whole situation? Often enough, I can be found counselling friends who are in need of advice ranging from what to go and see at the movies to major life changes and how to help them get through them safely. What a lot of people can't do in return, is counsel me on a lot of things relating to my health, and though they mean well with it will be alright, or other sincerely given platitudes, they can't related to or unerstand the base giant elephant in the room of my health condition, and that is it severity.|

With i think a bit of universal good luck in my very early years, I was introduced to Buddhism and thus over the years, many new and enlightening things from with which to draw from and help improve the quality of my existence. There have been theoretical concepts, that I have spent many years getting my head around, in the hope that I will somehow enlighten myself to how to deal with a degenerative condition, but at the same time, learn how to get the most out of life, within and beyond, the physical limitations of my body. I also periodically research my heatlh condition, and check for any new advances in spinal repair and rejuvination. Much of that information has not changed much in the last 20 years and that is basically, that short of breaking every vertebrae in my spine to remove the curvature and heighten exponentially, the chance of major infection, the other option is transplant, and the techonology for that is not remotely close. Stem cell rejuvination of the spinal cord is an interesting concept, and would work well if there were the possibility that it would remove the curvature, or more affectionately, the hump.

Where this leaves me, is pretty much a sentence of the encroaching and persistent decline of my spine and the semingly forever increasing moments of pain. In truth, my life span is shortened to around 60 years, give or take depending on external factors and the internal fight, which at the moment, is still there. The research I have done, has let me understand that as long as I can keep effective breathing techniques, pain management and focus all in a concerted effort with meditation and understanding, then I should be able to do this well and get some good years out of it. Otherwise, IF I let it slip, then we can bring that life expectancy down to 55. The interesting factor in this, is what keeps me sane knowing this?

This goes back to the earlier mention of an introduction to Buddhism. Again sometimes I can kind of see the universe working in ways that negates chance, but then, it could be that it was chance and it had been listening to my early information of knowing what my life was. The idea tht propels me to live each day, regardless if I am in bed feeling like crap, or out taking beautiful pictures, is the concept of Impermanence. I won't bore you all with philosophical lectures about what it is all about, other than it is a a very effective measure of making sure that each breath I take, is counted as my last, and that each moment the breath is held in my lungs, I have all the power in the world to decide whether or not Iwant to take that next breath. When in that split second of time between breaths, there is this eternal peace of knowing that I have made a personal choice, and that the universe, and my spirit, are in conjunction about the desire to live to take the next breath. When you live in this mode of thinking, all things in life are put into a perspective without wasting any time on redundant and pointless emotions of fear, sadness and stress about knowing that I may not live as long as my friends and other family, but I will also know, that I have lived a fuller life than a lot of people due to not wasting time and energy on those things that have no function other than to detract and displace my happiness and enjoyment of life into other more self destructive pursuits.

I have come to a beautiful level of peace and calm with impermanence. Maybe spending too much time beyond those that are alloted would have made me more lethargic in doing and learning the things that I would want to in life, but at the same time, it has given me that guidance to focus not in the past nor in the future, but to focus on that sweet moment of decision between this moment and the next, and renew my commitment to this for as long as humanly possible.