Yesterday in therapy, I finally admitted several things that I have fought tooth and nail to cling on to, in desparation to not feel like that I am giving up on things. The first big thing I admitted to, was being disabled. I have always said I was a crip, but that was in a defence mechanism kind of a way. A way to hide the pain and shame that I held onto about it. Yes, I was ashamed of being disabled. And there are many reasons for that:
Reason 1:
Growing up, I was bullied a hell of a lot, I felt different and being different didn't fit in with the psyche of the day. Even though 95% or more of the Australians don't match the sandy/blond hair, blue eyes and tanned skin ideal, they think that they do, or are close to it. When you are born different, or raised in a different country, then you are different and much like many people (I theorize) being different scares people because it shows them that either their god isn't perfect, or that they are mortal and something bad can happen to them, or those that they love. Back in the 1800's freak shows and carnivals were popular. Normal, healthy and proper society would come and ogle at the freaks, the misfits and those who lived on the fringe of society and feel better that they didn't have anything of the like.
Reason 2:
Disabled people are a drain on society and divert funds away from those who deserve them, like politicians and their rich friends. Yup, that is the common view in the UK, where Cameron and his scum like, Jabba the Hutt self Ian Duncan Smith, actively have caused the death of 100,000 people on disability or in the process of claiming it because they were deemed fit to work. Hell they even had people who were in coma, vegetative states or going through cancer treatment deemed fit to work and had their benefits removed. There is a UN probe into this, but they are trying their hardest to scrap the human rights bill so that things like this can't be sent to trial or human rights court. If this happened in a 3rd world country, there would be huge outrcies in the media, armies would be mobilized and the west would be calling for Genocide. Yet, it's okay, it is just cripples who are taking money away from our rich investors and banks, and they have nothing to contribute to society.
Reason 3
Because, I felt that if I were to admit to being disabled, I would no longer feel the urge to continue trying to do as much as possible to keep it from getting worse. I know that I have an early death ahead of me, unless we wake up, get all these new technologies out, and maybe then I can live a longer life. It will most probably be some sort of breathing issue, or my back just collapsing in on itself. I dunno, but I am trying my best to make the most of my time while I am here. I was told several times that I won't be able to walk by my mid 30's at the latest, that I wouldn't be able to do the things I loved etc. Well, I am 42 in June and still moving forward. Sure, there many a day where I want to just roll over and say fuck it, but, I don't let those days get to me as much anymore.
When I finally admitted to being disabled, instead of making me feel bad about myself, it actually spurred me on to find things to do. I have decided I want to get some tests done by doctors and let them use the data and learn as much from me about what I do to maintain myself, and hope that it helps others. I want to get a back-brace made so that it can support the hump and take a lot of pressure off of it when I walk and use stairs. Walking up and down stairs, and walking by itself when I am fatigued, feels like driving in a car where the springs are all rusted out and if you hit a bump too big, or a pothole too deep, you will break the springs and come to a VERY sudden stop. I have also decided that admitting it has freed me up from a lot of stress as well. Except for the last two days, I have done my best to get to bed before 1am and preferrably before 11 or 12, as I now know my body needs an absolute minimum of 9 - 10 hours sleep for me to be able to function when I get out of bed. I think the thing that I have finally accepted, is that if I admit to being disabled, wanting to look after it becomes just that bit more important. And, as a consequence, I feel less embarrassed about asking for it. I also feel more inclined to find active ways to make severe spinal conditions more noticeable than being stuck onto the back shelves. Paralysis rightly gets a lot of funding, but you don't see much in the way of research produced on preventative measures for severe conditions from suffering any long term effects.
So yes, finally admitting to being disabled, has made me a lot more aware of having to look after myself, but, more importantly, it has made me more aware of trying to find the positives in myself and what things I have done to do things more effectively. Right folks and folkettes, too damned tired carry on with writing. Be well and take care. Lots of <3 and best wishes for today and every day, in both yourself an those you love.
No comments:
Post a Comment